dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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