I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
