Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
