I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
