At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
