Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you didnt know i had herpes?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
