she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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