if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
