he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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