I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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