There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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