Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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