we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Green mimosas i think yes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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