proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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