My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
