Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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