omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
