we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
