I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
