Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
