god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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