mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
