I hate your face
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
