I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
