Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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