I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
