I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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