So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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