planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
