The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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