Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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