i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
