I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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