So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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