He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize