This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
