Betty ford says i'm here all night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
