I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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