I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
third nipple confirmed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
