Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize