remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
