how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
