yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
