What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
