i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
