I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
