so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
