Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
