my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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