How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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