Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
