Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
