My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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