You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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