I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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