wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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