he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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