did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
