im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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