I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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