My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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