my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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