The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
