why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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