can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
